Parent Support

Supporting Adoptees Through These Devastating and Uncertain Times

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Many adoptees are really struggling right now. Not only around the results of the election and what all of this could mean for our individual and collective futures, but also given the fact that November is National Adoptee Awareness Month—a particularly heavy and triggering time for many.

Please understand that we may be experiencing and navigating some really big feelings, and that can manifest in a variety of ways.

A little grace is really needed right now and can go a long way.

Provide space for us to share and process with you.

If the adoptees in your life are expressing our concerns and fears to you—please do not attempt to minimize, explain away, or dismiss how we are feeling.

Know that our truths may challenge your personal, political, or religious beliefs; your truth; and your worldview.

We need you to be open and willing to have these conversations with us and be present for us without letting your beliefs and discomfort get in the way.

These conversations and opportunities for connection and building trust will rarely be easy or comfortable, but they will be worth it.

Do your best to check yourself and refrain from responding defensively or making this about you.

While it is human nature to want to make things better—it is important to learn how to just sit with us in our pain without attempting to “fix” us.

The pain and grief adoptees navigate cannot necessarily be fixed, but we may choose to entrust you to help us carry it—so we are not bearing the weight of it all alone.

Our fears may seem irrational to you, but they feel very real to us. There is great vulnerability that exists in sharing one’s fears with others.

If an adoptee trusts you enough to open up to you in this way, please understand that this is a very big deal and should not be taken lightly.

How you respond, especially in these moments of great vulnerability—could have a profound and lifelong impact on an adoptee’s felt safety, our ability to trust you, and our willingness to open up to you in the future.

It can be really difficult for adoptees to open up and trust the people in our lives. And you may only get one chance to get it right.

Adoptee identities and experiences are incredibly layered, deeply complex, and unique to each adoptee.

You won’t fully understand the depths of what we are going through and how we are feeling—and we don’t necessarily expect you to.

There are things you can do, though.

You can do your best to see us.

See us as whole beings.

We may exist with brokenness within us; trauma histories; severed attachments; severed ties to our families, communities, cultures, languages, and countries of origin; profound lifelong losses; missing pieces of our pasts; questions that may never be answered…

But we are whole beings who need and deserve to be treated as such.

Be open to listening and truly hearing us.

And not just to the adoptees in your life. It is important to listen and learn from other adoptees as well.

Listen with openness, care, compassion, respect, curiosity, and with an eagerness to learn.

Listen with the understanding that what we are sharing is our truth in that moment.

Details may be missing or they may change. Our interpretations and perceptions of our memories and lived experiences can and do change and evolve over time. Our feelings about our truths may be ever changing.

Our acknowledgement of, identification with, attachment to, and understanding of our identities (racial, ethnic, cultural, LGBTQIA2S+, etc.) may be fluid.

Please do not attempt to fact-check us when we are sharing our fears and our truths with you.

Please refrain from attempting to fill in the missing pieces with what you imagine or hope to be true, or what you feel may bring us comfort in those moments.

It’s not about being right in these moments.

It’s about being present, meeting us where we are, and holding space for our truths.

In these moments when we are sharing our truths with you—we need you to believe us.

Our truths are often heavy to bear and can be incredibly difficult to hear.

It’s okay if you don’t know what to say.

These are truths that we are living and breathing and experiencing with every fiber of our being. Yet it can be challenging for us to find the words and language to express our truths to you.

You can say a lot with your presence and how you show up for us—especially in these really challenging and vulnerable moments.

It is important to do your best to not make it about you. Your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and experiences absolutely matter, but in these moments when an adoptee is pouring their heart out to you—it needs to be about them…not about you.

If you respond with disbelief, big emotions, defensiveness, or a desire to shame or point fingers—you may end up shutting down the conversation before it even begins. And if you are not able to show us that you can be trusted with our truth—we may not feel safe to open up to you again in the future and you may not have the opportunity to revisit the conversation, repair the harm, or make it right.

One of the most important things you can do for the adoptees in your life is to believe us.

There are identities that the adoptees in your life may hold, identify with, and/or may be exploring that you may not be privy to.

Racism and bigotry do exist and do happen in overt and covert ways. People you perceive to be “good, upstanding people” can absolutely be racists and bigots.

These realities and truths can and do coexist.

You don’t need to see or be aware of it in order for us to experience it.

BIPOC communities have experienced great harm and threats to our safety as a result of the hate and vitriol spewed by the President-elect during his previous term. Those threats to our safety and to our entire existence will continue and are likely to increase exponentially once he is back in office.

As children and throughout our adulthood, many intercountry and transracial adoptees have been taunted with, “Go back to where you came from” or “You don’t belong here”.

Those taunts will now undoubtedly shift to “You are going to be deported”.

In fact, they already have.

And the threat of possible deportation may now become a very real possibility in the future.

Tens of thousands of adoptees living in the U.S. do not have citizenship—through no fault of their own. Many adoptees who are U.S. citizens do not have the necessary paperwork to prove their citizenship. Adoptees have been deported and sent to their countries of origin—often where they have no connections, no knowledge of the language or culture, and no home.

They quite literally find themselves strangers in a foreign land.

Immigrants can and have had their U.S. citizenship revoked.

Many adoptees are immigrants and the world will always see us as immigrants first.

The fact that we are adoptees may or may not matter.

The fact that the U.S. is the only place many of us have ever known or remember will not matter to people who hate us and don’t want us here.

Adoptees’ fears around our citizenship and our ability to remain in the U.S. in the future are very real and very valid.

Many adoptees have already or are at risk of being stripped of our right to make decisions about our own bodies and reproductive health. Availability of and access to safe, equitable, and gender-affirming care may be virtually non-existent in the not-so-distant future.

People with sex organs and reproductive systems that are biologically female are already being taunted with “your body, my choice” and threats of rape and other forms of gender-based violence and egregious harm.

A number of adoptees have disabilities.
A number of adoptees have and/or will develop chronic health issues.
Many adoptees battle mental health issues.

In the not-so-distant future, we may no longer be able to access or afford to access the services, care, medications, and accommodations we need to navigate this world and to survive.

And I could go on and on about the ways in which all of this may impact the adoptees in your life and why we are so deeply, overwhelmingly, and devastatingly afraid right now.

Some may view this as ridiculous and fearmongering, but the reality is that these are issues we need to be thinking about and giving real credence to and conversations we need to be having.

Your action and inaction will matter now more than ever before.

Adoptees don’t need saving, but we do need you to have our backs.

We need you to listen and truly hear us. And not just to the perspectives and messages that exist within an echo chamber and are perpetually happy and comforting and validating to hear.

We need you to truly hear and learn from adoptees who are speaking to our pain and trauma and who are challenging you to do better and be better for the adoptees in your life.

We need you to center and elevate our voices and perspectives.

While you initially may have made the decision to adopt an infant, child, or teen—the reality is that, god-willing, we will grow up and grow into the complex, layered, evolving, beautiful, and messy humans we are.

We need you to be our parents first and understand that all of this comes with your decision to adopt us.

We need you to be able to sit with and help us hold these truths that are painful and uncomfortable to bear.

We need you to care and show us that you care.

We need you to believe us.

We need you to weather these storms with us and do whatever you need to do to not turn your backs on us right now.

The Importance of Learning with an Open Mind and an Open Heart

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When I started working in the adoption world over 8 years ago, I was in a very different place in my life. I was a young wife and mother of a toddler and an infant, and I had never allowed myself to explore what it truly meant to be an adoptee. In my years of working in the field of adoption, I have had the opportunity to do a lot of introspection, to grow my passion for something that I live and breathe, and to grow in my understanding of the complexities of child welfare and adoption. The one thing I have found the most fulfilling has been learning from parents, youth, and young adults who have experienced foster care and/or adoption.

I have seen adoptive families struggle due to the lack of resources and support. I have heard stories of parents who are unable to sleep at night because their child is threatening to kill them and have already caused them great harm. I have heard from parents who share of the heartbreak of learning that their child perpetrated on another child in their family. I have heard stories of parents who have driven all over the state to find help for their child only to be disbelieved or turned away due to the lack of funding and resources. Too many families are struggling, and these issues are seen across the board—especially in foster care and international adoption.

Because I have not been in their shoes, I cannot fully speak to the thoughts, feelings, or struggles of adoptive parents. But, I can say that I have learned a great deal from them, and I feel that what I have learned has truly enriched my work and my understanding of the impact that the adoption journey can have on parents and families. Just as I know it can be difficult to hear adoptee perspectives, it can be equally as difficult to hear from adoptive parents. While I have heard parents say many wonderful things about their children, I have also heard parents talk about wanting to give up. I have heard them talk about not being able to understand their children. I have heard some say that they wish they had never adopted. These are incredibly difficult messages to hear—especially for someone who struggles with issues of loss and abandonment—but they are messages that I feel I NEED to hear.

I realize that it is easy to develop the impression from what I have shared through my blog that parents aren’t doing enough or that they are clueless. While this may absolutely be true for some parents, the fact of the matter is that I have seen parents fight with every fiber of their being for their children, and I have seen the incredible struggles that a number of parents have endured throughout their adoption journeys. I have seen parents who are eager to learn and want so much to understand their children who were not born to them—a number of whom have experienced a great deal of loss and trauma in their lives.

I won’t ever speak for other adoptees who are sharing their voices, as I can only speak for myself. I am not someone who shares her story to blame or shame anyone. I have a great respect for most adoptive parents—mainly because I have seen the impact this journey can have on them as well. When I share my story and the lessons I have learned through working in the adoption world, I do so in an effort to inform, inspire, and encourage parents to grow in their understanding of their children and what their children may experience at some point throughout their adoption journeys.

I was never good at expressing how I felt as a child—mainly due to the respect and love I had for my parents and the overwhelming fear I had of losing them if I said something wrong or misbehaved. This was the way I was wired and the way in which I viewed the world, but it vastly differed from the reality of the life my parents had provided for me. By sharing my journey, I hope to inspire parents to have open conversations with their children and provide their children with the opportunities to safely share their thoughts on being adopted and allow them to grieve their losses and not minimize what they are feeling.

This journey was never meant to be easy, but I want to share that there IS hope. I want to encourage you to celebrate the successes, regardless of how small they may be. I want to encourage you to keep learning and keep your minds and hearts open to the messages being shared—even when it hurts to do so. I want to encourage you to laugh and find joy in this journey—even when it feels like you have lost yourself and any morsel of hope you once had. It is okay to seek support from other parents and to seek help when needed. I urge you to not feel as though you are failing your child. Your willingness to open your mind and your heart to the perspectives of other members of the adoption triad in an effort to gain a better understanding of what your child might be going through may truly make a world of difference for your family.

Exploring the Great Divide in Adoption: Why You’re Not That Different

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When I started working in the adoption world, it quickly became evident that there was a division between parents who have adopted internationally, domestically, and from foster care, as well as between the agencies and organizations providing support to them. This observation was further evidenced by one of the evaluations I received from the conference I co-presented at this past summer.

I presented a session that explored loss in adoption and its effect on relationships with one of my good friends and colleagues who adopted from foster care. The adoptive parent who wrote the evaluation stated that he would have preferred to hear the material from someone who was adopted from foster care. Considering the fact that I work for an organization whose main focus is on finding forever families for children in care, it wasn’t a huge surprise to encounter someone with this mindset. This comment really stuck with me, not in a negative way, but because I have had difficulties understanding why there must be such a dramatic division between adoptive parents, regardless of where their adopted child is from. I want to explore this division by just skimming the surface and attempting to make the argument that adoptive parents aren’t as different from each other as they have come to believe.

International (or Intercountry) Adoption

Historically, international adoption has been somewhat glamorized in the sense that there has been a long-standing belief that families spend tens of thousands of dollars in an attempt to adopt “perfect” or “exotic” children from overseas. Celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Madonna have even made international adoption somewhat fashionable. There is also a belief that parents who adopt internationally have a “pie-in-the-sky” view of adoption and are naïve in thinking that their children will be perfect because of the money they spent to adopt them.

Those involved with domestic and foster care adoption sometimes harbor animosity towards those who adopt internationally because of the hundreds of thousands of kids who need forever families here in the U.S. The fact of the matter is that there are kids all over the world who need families. When I was adopted, Koreans simply did not adopt outside of their bloodline, and it was something that was frowned upon. Being that I was a girl and not a baby, my chances of finding a family domestically were slim-to-none. I spent a year in foster care prior to my adoption, and my belief is that, had I not been adopted internationally, I most likely would have aged out of care.

Most of the internationally adoptive parents I have encountered adopt from other countries because 1) they want to add to their family, and 2) because they are aware that there are children everywhere—not just in the U.S.—who need families.  I have also spoken with a number of parents who choose to adopt internationally because of the overwhelming fear of the birth parents wanting their children back. While there are absolutely some very naïve internationally adoptive parents out there (as with any population of parent), a majority of my interactions have been with parents who are actually quite savvy and have a greater understanding of the issues than they are given credit for.

Most internationally adoptive parents are actually at a disadvantage due to full disclosure issues. A number of children available for adoption overseas either have little or no accompanying information (familial, medical, etc.), or the information they do have has been falsified or doctored. And some countries allow outgoing adoptions of only children with special needs.

An issue that a number of internationally adoptive parents encounter is the lack of post-adoption services. While there are many resources and support groups in the U.S. for adoptive parents, a number of them do not provide services to parents who have adopted internationally. The main reason behind the lack of services is that a number of the organizations and support groups available are funded through county, state, and federal grants that prohibit them from providing services to parents who have not adopted domestically.

I have also witnessed the “you-made-your-bed-now-lie-in-it” mentality projected towards parents who have adopted internationally. In the foster care adoption world, there can be a stigma attached to spending tens of thousands of dollars on adopting children from overseas. The belief is that if parents can spend that much on adopting a child, then they must also have the resources to fund the services to meet their child’s needs. The truth is, most internationally adoptive parents are middle class and a number of them have been able to adopt through grants and with the generous support of their friends, family, and community.

Domestic Adoption

Parents who adopt domestically through private agencies are often those seeking infants to adopt. Historically, private domestic adoption was often done in secret, as there was a great stigma attached to the inability to bear one’s own children. You will often hear of adoptees who were adopted a number of years ago and found out about it very late in life, or they always knew and were not allowed to talk about it.

Private domestic adopters are parents who are more likely than the internationally or foster care adoptive parents to experience the potential heartbreak of being matched with a child whose birth mother changes her mind and decides to keep the child. The laws vary by state, but most states allow a period of time before an adoption can be finalized (it could be a number of days or months) in which an expectant parent can revoke their consent to adopt. State laws also acknowledge the birth father, in that he is allowed to seek custody of the child even after the adoption has been finalized if, for some reason, he never knowingly consented to the termination of his parental rights.

Parents who adopt domestically through private agencies are often viewed in a similar light as parents who adopt internationally. One of the noticeable differences is that they don’t have the added stigma of not having adopted a child from the U.S.

Foster Care Adoption

Due to the nature of the organization I work for, a majority of the interactions I have are with parents who have adopted from foster care and the agencies and organizations that support them. Currently, there are over 400,000 children in foster care in the U.S., and over 100,000 are available for adoption, meaning the parental rights of their birth parents have been terminated. Many of the children and teens available for adoption have spent a considerable amount of time in foster care and have experienced multiple placements. A number of these children and teens have special needs. When a child or teen is labeled “special needs”, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have behavioral or physical limitations. Special needs can also refer to a child who is older, a child of color, or a child who is part of a sibling group who wants to be adopted together.

Parents who adopt from foster care do so in an effort to grow their family (as with any adoptive parent) and because they see the overwhelming need to find forever families for the children and teens in the U.S. While there are some initial costs involved with adopting from foster care, they are not nearly as great as those involved with adopting internationally or through private domestic adoption. The resources and supports are more readily available in the U.S. for parents who have adopted from foster care and for their children. Parents of children with considerable behavioral, physical, and medical special needs will often receive a monthly adoption subsidy to help offset some of the costs involved with meeting their child’s needs. These adoption assistance payments are generally very minimal and, while they are helpful to those who receive them, they often cover only a small fraction of the ongoing expenses involved with meeting the needs of these children.

Why You’re Not That Different

There are many reasons why adoptive parents are not that different, but a few of the main reasons are listed below:

  1. Loss. At the core of all adoption is loss. Every adopted child has experienced loss, regardless of where they were adopted from. The loss of one child is not necessarily greater or more relevant simply because they were adopted from foster care as opposed to internationally. It doesn’t work that way, and it shouldn’t work that way. The same goes for adoptive parents. All parents have their unique reasons for forming their family through adoption. All adoptive parents experience the loss of not having given birth to their child—it affects some more than others—but the loss is there. There are moments of pain and moments of happiness in all forms of adoption. The journey may have started differently, but every journey has its trials and tribulations. It is important for adoptive parents to understand that, while the adoption journeys are different, similar issues are prevalent in all forms of adoption.
  1. Core issues in adoption. There are 7 core issues in adoption—Loss, Rejection, Guilt/Shame, Grief, Identity, Intimacy & Relationships, and Control/Gains (Silverstein, D. & Roszia, S, 1982.) Parenting a child is not easy, and parenting an adopted child can be even more difficult! Most adoptive parents will experience at least some of these core issues at some point during their adoption journey. Some of these issues can be overwhelming, and the need for support in coping with these issues is critical.
  1. The need for resources and support. All adoptive parents need resources and support to help them along their journey. Questions arise at various points throughout a parent’s adoption journey. All adoptive parents need support from people who have been there—from people who understand.
  1. Identity. Adoption changes families, and it can change the way society views your family, especially those who adopt transracially and transculturally. Your traditions will most likely change to embrace your child’s race and culture. The people with whom you associate may change. These changes have the potential to be overwhelming, and the need for support and education will be great.

The pain of one adoptive parent should not be viewed as more significant or relevant than another. Rather than focusing only on the things that set you apart from other adoptive parents, focus on the similarities that can be used in supporting each other. I have seen the power of parent-to-parent support. I have seen the difference it can make when an adoptive parent who previously felt isolated and alone realizes that there are other parents who understand and are going through similar situations. Remember to rally around each other and celebrate the differences, but celebrate the things that unify you as well. You’ll find that you will feel much less isolated, and you’ll be surprised at what you’ll learn from adoptive parents you may not have previously turned to for support!